No matter what time of year, I find that I always have something to bitch about; human nature or human habit, I think I've developed quite the skill. Although this may be perceived as a negative attitude; like I tell my husband, my voiced opinions are actually a critical analysis of all the annoying shit in this world. My topic today? The Gym.
Now I guess you could say that I am an avid go-er of the gym, and after years of running, I realized that if I were ever going to be able to lift a watermelon, I would need to invest some time into those things called "muscles." At first I found the whole experience intimidating to say the least; all those fit people sweating, with the heart rate monitors on their arms, and water bottles filled with mysterious liquid that makes you good looking. But after a few weeks, I realized that these were people like myself; slightly crazy, trying to forget horrible life mistakes, and understanding that last night's indulgence of a large oreo blizzard would require at least 2 hours of their time on weights and cardio. After spending a few years at the gym I have immigrated my thoughts from idolizing these jacked up juice heads to absolutely despising them. After watching some "dude" stroke his muscles in the mirror at the gym today, I came to the conclusion that I could not harbour these feelings any more. Here are my top complaints:
1. Grunting: Now when I hear grunting I expect to either be; watching people do physical labor on a farm, playing with pigs, or experiencing child birth. NONE of these happen to take place at a gym; therefor, anyone grunting at the gym can fully expect to experience my "stink eye". I no longer have any restraint and immediately contort my face to make it unmistakable to you that your behavior is not only inappropriate, but also warranted of my general dislike for you and your noises. Get it together.
2. Women who look like men/or who don't look like women: I'm sorry, I can appreciate a beautifully sculpted female body, but when it begins to look like something from the "Aliens" Movie, something ain't right. When you have to get fake titties as a result of over-working your chest, there is an apparent issue. These women you can guarantee are shitting pure bricks. There is not an ounce of fat on them, let alone any recognizable feature that distinguishes them from the male race. I'm sure if penises could be acquired at the gym, they would flock to that machine like a pig (grunting) on shit. Christ. At first I thought I was jealous, but after thinking about it I'm down right disturbed that the physical attributes that make us female are completely disregarded.....and for what? I don't get it.
3. Cardio Machines: Number one: Calorie counting. Now thankfully, I understand how overestimated these so-called calorie counters are; but for the average person, they are a goddamn facade of what you're actually achieving; they fail to factor in body mass, muscle mass, etc. Just like self-help books (another blog issue). Honey I'm sorry, but 45 minutes on the treadmill isn't as awesome as it appeared to be.
Number two: "Enjoy your workout;" I don't know about you, but it takes everything in me to not lose my shit on the cheerful little message that appears after inputting you weight and time limit into a cardio machine before starting; and not to mention, what is probably going to be, an unenjoyable experience. "Enjoy your workout" flashes across in horrible text before, what you have deemed to be, the workout that will kill you. NO, I will not enjoy this, and how fucking cynical of you machine to even assume that this process of health will be in the least pleasurable. You know what I will goddamn enjoy? The three glasses of wine I'll be having after this self-determined death sentence.
I digress.
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