Well there is something about the Christmas season that turns me into those really happy people you see in holiday magazines; decorating their tree with their 6 children dancing around, a handsome husband in a striped sweater vest, and a yellow lab sleeping by the fire......woah, maybe not quite like that but you get the point. I don't know why I love the holidays soo much, I honestly think it was my mother's goal in life to distort my happy ideals of what Christmas should be by tainting them with "alternative" ways of ringing in the season, see examples below:
1. One year for Halloween my grade.3 class put on a scary play; my mother of course volunteered to make a 5 foot tall "haunted tree." Guess what our presents were place under that year?
2. Another year she came in contact with (to this day I'm still not sure how) a lower torso of a male mannequin; upon returning home from school my sister and I walked into the living room to find "him" stuffed with Christmas lights.
3. After years of not having a Christmas tree, my mom finally convinced my sister and I that we were getting a REAL one; lights included. From a SIX INCH box she pulls out a fake plastic tree with barely visible lights on it; I remember being sooo pissed off watching her plug it into the wall... she of course was no doubt happier than a pig in shit that she fooled us for another year.
Don't get me wrong, looking back now I really don't understand what the importance of a "normal" tree was, but at the age of 7 try explaining that Christmas morning present opening will be spent under the plastic balls of a male torso.
Another confusing Christmas event was the fact that, during the time I believed STRONGLY in Santa Clause, my Scottish Nana played Mrs.Clause at the mall - you know the place where you drag your kids to every year for their picture with Santa and they have some really cheesy set up and all you get is a goddamn candy cane that usually breaks before you even get home and to make matters worse the picture usually turns out ugly and Santa isn't even looking at the camera? Woah back on track. Anyway, I must have been a really fucking gullible child, or my parents did a fantastic job at altering my understanding of reality because for one; how could my Nana also be Mrs.Clause, and secondly, why did it never occur to me that in all the Christmas stories I read as a child, never, in ANY of them, did Mrs.Clause have a goddamn Scottish accent.
You know, come to think of it, I'm surprised I don't spend the holiday season drunk at the bar singing karaoke alone. But why do that when I can do those things in the comfort of my in-laws. And THAT ladies and gentleman is what the Christmas season is all about; creating embarrassing and morally questionable memories with your family that will be talked about for years to come. Like that time I spilled an alcoholic beverage on my mother-in-law's carpet.
So in the spirit of the season, I have decided to dedicate a few of my posts to my own helpful tips for ringing in the holidays; sarcastic versions of course. Stay tuned for the first installment of "Oh Crap it's Christmas - a useless guide to achieving holiday success" Chapter one: Holiday Entertaining
No comments:
Post a Comment