Ho Ho Ho, Your Love Handles Show

Oh boy! It's that time again for another useless tid bit of holiday advice! This post I would like to title;


 "Ho Ho Ho, Your Love Handles Show"

Now for those of you who know me, I take my health seriously, you could even say I'm the shining mecca of health.....right..... However, though my past was littered with copious amounts of smoking and drinking with minor installments of exercise;  I can happily say that I've given up the "fags" (except on nights out when I don't even know my own name) and have happily welcomed exercise and fitness into my life. I think I am actually able to do a solid 5 push ups and have something the size of a small squirrel protruding from my upper arms. I am refraining from talking about the lower half of my body which continues to be the bain of my existence since I donned the nickname "porkchop" at the age of 10 - Thanks mom, I'm sure psychologically that did me a world of good.

 Now in previous years, I used to dread the holiday season; the copious amounts of food, alcohol, and treats - before I knew it I was tits deep in my step-moms festive baking even before Aunt Ethel could bust out the first verse of, "Oh come holy faithful." I remember some years being physically sore from eating too much, and let me tell you ladies and gentleman, there is nothing sexy about gluttony - nothing sexy at all. I really don't know where the excessive need to cook for an entire army was invented, but it can go straight back to the hell it came from. Don't get me wrong, nothing quite beats the smell of holiday food cooking and the comfort in knowing you're surrounded by friends, family, and delicious treats, but one glass or two glasses of eggnog in and you've pretty much bought your train ticket straight to Thunder Thigh City. Christ, you're the goddamn conductor. Not to mention, your jeggings have now restricted your ability to reproduce.

Before writing this post I thought about all the articles out there on how to "stay slim" over the holidays, and "low fat" options for Christmas. If you ask me, they're all a crock of bullshit, YOU chose to put that mint melty in your mouth, and all of it's sixteen cousins too. I guess the point of this post is to just embrace the holidays; sure, maybe a few pounds gained here or there, but come January, your Visa bill will take care of that; you'll be too stressed out to eat and you can't afford food either! No but seriously, I think people get too wrapped up in "health" over the holidays and staying slim; if gaining 5 pounds is your biggest goddamn concern, then you shouldn't be invited to anything over the holidays - you and your slimfast bar can stay home and watch Bridgette Jones' Diary on Netflix.

Just think, you'll be the first one on Facebook to boast about how much weight you have GAINED over the holidays.

With that being said, here are a couple helpful pointers on successfully accepting happiness, love handles or not, over the holidays:

1. Like my mother-in-law has taught me, you can always replace meals with alcohol. For instance, a "Caesar" is pretty much a well balanced meal in itself - throw in a piece of cheese and meat on the side and you've got yourself ....half cut before lunch.

2. Allow yourself to be a gluttonous mess; really it's the one time of year that you can morally indulge without having it "count"

3. As my husband, and also the author of the novel titled; "How to not give a shit - one man's experience in life," says; "stop caring so much about pointless shit that doesn't matter."

And that my friends tops off this week's helpful hints to the holidays!