I never thought that the start to my holidays would involve getting fired from my job; surprisingly enough I actually feel like I have won a mini lottery! Santa, how did you know?? Unfortunately I wish I could say I was actually "FIRED" but I'll just have to settle for a mutual agreement to terminate employment. At least I'm still eligible for E.I., because nothing looks better than being unemployed at the age of 26 and milking the system. Oh did I mention I am also a student and still take hand-outs from my parents? I'm surprised I'm not still breast feeding for christ sakes.
Ok enough with the "pity me" statements. As mentioned before, I am quite relieved to be no longer working for THAT company. To make a long story short, and due to the fact that pretty much anyone can read this thanks to the internet, I will remain diplomatic and leave it at this; I felt the moral and ethical obligation to make note of the fact of unequal pay scales at my work; my voiced opinions led to the deterioration of my employment; accompanied by the fact that my manager was a complete effing dragon and didn`t even have the decency to leave her cave to wave off my departure. Don`t worry, I made sure to wish them all a VERY merry Christmas on my way out; hopefully Santa makes an extra effort to remove the lump of coal from her nether regions this year.
So what will I do now you ask?? Well, thanks to my Scottish habits, I have managed to put away enough to sit comfortably for awhile. While most people might find it frightening to be unemployed, I'm more concerned about being left to my own devices thanks to my now "open" schedule. Believe it or not, I actually like working.....ok that's a lie, I like having structure in my daily routine as a well as a paycheck, and since prostitution would not be tolerated in my family, I have to find alternative avenues. Anyway, I thought I would get to the point of this post, and as promised, here is the first installment of successfully surviving the holidays. This I have chosen to title; Holiday Hosting
Now some of us enjoy entertaining more than others, so if you are someone who absolutely despises hosting a get together at your place, then get up right now and go pour yourself another drink. Now, for those of you that find some sort of sick enjoyment in providing food, beverages, and endless comedic entertainment for people you don't really like, such as family, then I suggest you tune in to my step-by-step (ooooh baby) guide to making yourself look and feel better than your invited guests.
Step 1: Although it may seem like a good idea to cook some elaborate meal for your company; don't do it. Not only will you waste money on organic, free range, imported foods, but the chances of your guests actually appreciating it in the end is minimal. Let's be honest, if it's anything like my previous attempts at entertaining, they'll probably throw it up in your ornamental tree on their way to their vehicle at 2 am. Also, at around 3 glasses of booze in, you'll seriously regret having to spend useless time in the kitchen stirring, whisking, and slicing, while your guests are boozing it up in your living room. On that note, don't go and buy pre-made bullshit; that shit blatantly say's to your guests, "I don't fucking like you and you're not even worth this Oriental variety pack I picked up at M and M meats."
Step 2: Plan ahead; if you know that your extensions take 40 minutes to blow dry and you'll have to apply at least two layers of make-up to your face (thanks to last night's game of "zit picker") then start getting ready early. DO NOT get ready right before your guests arrive; no doubt you've been pre-drinking (step 4) beforehand and trust me when I say, making any decision with the inclusion of alcohol is a sure way to guarantee you'll be looking like a festive street walker upon greeting your guests.
Step 3: Don't stress out about how clean your house is, if they're your friends, they already know how much of a dirty slob you are. If you are trying to impress some future potential friends, then I suggest picking your shit up off the floor, running the vacuum over the carpet, and shoving all the rest of your shit in whatever cupboard you can guarantee your guests won't look in. If all else fails, dim the lights; you won't be able to see the months worth of dust accumulating on your television stand OR the crumbs from last week when you thought it would be a good idea to eat half a bag of Humpty Party mix and three quarters of your advent calendar.
Step 4: My last and final suggestion in regards to throwing a successful dinner party; DRINK. Honestly, before you start any of the above mentioned steps, pour yourself a healthy glass of alcohol and take a few minutes to enjoy the fact that you won't give a shit when it's all said and done. Hair looks like shit?? Don't care. My guests are boring as hell?? Not a problem. My husband just spilled half a plate of Pad Thai on my newly washed carpet? Oh well. My nylons have turned into a frontal thong? you get the point....
Well I hope this has given you some truly helpful advice in regards to your holiday celebrations. Stay tuned for the next Festively Themed Installment!
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